TWS

Dear Clemson Fans,
This feeling you are having . . . this despair that leads you to leave a game early, and want to fire the coach. It's called TWS, Tommy West Syndrome.TWS occurs when you win and feel like you've lost and/or when you lose and feel like you got kicked in the nuts.

If you suffer frequently from CCA, or Cardiac Cat Arrest, you may indeed develop TWS. Although the initial result of TWS is what seems to be a cure for CCA. You will quickly find that you have lost all heart. You continue to suffer with TWS and lose not only heart, but hope, love, joy, and pride. (Commonly known as Holtzing – ask an SC fan. ) TWS can cause you to feel completely numb while watching Clemson Football. This numb despair can spread to watching football in general, to watching other sports, and eventually, to doing anything whatsoever that would require hope, pride, joy, heart, and “toughness.”

The side effects of TWS are plenty and let’s face it, brutal. TWS can cause you to:
1. Eat more.
2. Eat less.
3. Masturbate to fat chick magazines.
4. Beat your wife.
5. Beat your husband.
6. Drink.
7. Curse frequently at inappropriate moments.
8. Refer to the restroom as the “Little boys room” because saying “men’s room” would be a lie.
9. Cry, whine, gripe, scream, bitch, moan, whimper . . . real men don’t do this.
10. Reminisce about Danny Ford even though you were 4 years old when he was coach and didn’t like football then, but let’s face it, at 4 you had more pride than you do now. It’s the pride, hope, joy, and let’s face it balls you would like returned.

Common Remedy’s for TWS:
1. Fire your coach. (Warning: Some people continue to suffer from TWS long after a coach is fired, and new great coach wins 9 games in his second season. If this is you, you do not have TWS . . . you are what is called an asswhole.)
2. Stop watching football. (But why would you do that?!?!)
3. Blowjobs (This only works for men and is a temporary sensation that will end as soon as . . . well, you know.)
4. Marriage (This only works for women and is a temporary sensation that will end as soon as . . .)

I honestly hope that you benefit from this post. I suffered for years with TWS until we finally hired a new coach. Over the last few years I have had bouts with CCA, and unfortunately, I believe the virus (TWS) may have mutated. I feel fine right now. I’m not overly anxious and my heart isn’t screaming when I watch games . . . but something isn’t right.

Sincerely,
Lawtonious Funk