Lawtonious Funk

A Chance

2010-01-22T08:13:00.001-08:00

I almost did something like to Dr. Cyndi Post call . . .

2010-01-05T07:54:00.000-08:00

But I value my life.

Sincerely,
Lawtonious Funk

He was coming right for me.

2009-10-07T10:46:00.000-07:00

I just ran over a turtle in my driveway. I didn't see it. I just heard this loud bang. I asked Cyndi what it was. She saw the whole thing going down, but couldn't find the words to stop me. Then, I tried to make her get my mom and sister to clean it up when they got in town. (They're coming to town for the induction.) I didn't tell Cyndi, but I'm pretty sure he was alive when I scraped him off the concrete and threw him in the trashcan.

Clemson

2009-09-01T06:40:00.000-07:00

You know why you don't see posts of the USuCk's victory over Clemson on youtube? It's because they haven't won since it was created. This is our 'horrible' team from last year.

The Internet is Down!!!

2009-08-08T10:24:00.000-07:00

And by internet, I mean Facebook, and by facebook, I mean I can't play Mafia Wars. I can't protect my Mafia! The horror. The Horror!!!

You have my gra ahahahahahahhhahah!

PS3

2009-07-27T05:53:00.000-07:00

I broke down and bought a PS3 this weekend. Watched "Quantum of Solace" on Blue Ray. I still have to buy the remote and the component cable.

That's pretty crappy that the PS3 doesn't just have a regular component cable output. Anything for an extra buck.

As for the remote, I have no problem using the controller, but I think Cyndi will freak out if she ever tries to figure it out.

For now, I plan on downloading game demos and renting games and movies. Any suggestions for good games?

What really sold Cyndi on it was seeing a PS3 in Blockbuster with a football game on. She thought it was a real game. I can't freaking wait to get one of those, but I'd like to learn a little bit of the theory of football formations and strategy. Any suggestions?

Thanks,
Lawtonious "What's that smell? Oh, that's me and I'm spoiled rotten" Funk

LAVA LAMP (ACOUSTIC) AVAILABLE ONLINE

2009-06-11T07:03:00.000-07:00

My latest Album, "Lava Lamp (Acoustic)" is available for purchase online now! Follow the following link or just click the picture of the CD on the right sidebar:
http://cdbaby.com/cd/willlawton2

This is available for download as well as a CD! Lava Lamp will be available on itunes, amazon, etc in the about 5 weeks, but you can purchase it from CDBaby.com right now!

I hope you guys enjoy it!

30 second samples of each song are available at CDBaby. However, if you click on the wah-wah pedal and go to the official site, you can listen to full songs (streaming). If you sign up as a fan on that site you can listen to even more original music and will be able to download other music in the near future!

Sincerely,
Lawtonious Funk

I'm Batman.

2009-06-10T05:44:00.000-07:00

I used to watch the Batman cartoons back when I was a kid. Anyway, there was this one episode where Scarecrow gets into everyone's head and torments them using some sort of biological warfare. (Sounds familiar, right) He basically would scare the crap out of them and make them do things.

Well, the Scarecrow tried that shit on Bruce Wayne and it failed. You see, the Scarecrow was saying things like, "You'll be never escape Bruce..." Well, Batman fights off the fear gas and wins. Later, Robin asks him, "How did you know you were under control? How did you beat him?"

Batman Replies, "Because when I think to myself, I don't call myself Bruce Wayne. I'm Batman."

I really thought that was a sweet episode. Who do you call yourself when you are thinking about things? Do women think, "Okay, Wonder Woman, lets do this."? Do other guys say, "Alright Magyver, you can figure this out."?

Do any of you guys refer to yourself as different people? (Hey Dumbass, don't screw this up. Okay Buddy, let's do this! Don't listen to him, Dumbass, you're an idiot. FLAME OFF!) Do you have angel/demon debates with different voices? All I'm saying is, maybe you should get some help.

My point is. How crazy is too crazy? Obviously Bruce Wayne had some issues, but I think Batman had his shit together. Wait, what?

Sincerely,
Lawtonious "Don't listen to this Dumbass" Funk

Live Show Recording

2009-05-27T05:47:00.000-07:00

I bought a Belkin TuneTalk voice recorder and used it to record my show at the Tipsy Teapot last weekend. After much heartache, I figured out how to get music off of an Ipod, and I retrieved the 2.5 hours of music I recorded. Well, thus far, I have listened to a couple songs. The recording sounds okay except every now and then there is a high pitched screeching sound.

Needless to say, this will not do. I'm looking into buying a different recording device. I like the Zoom H4, but I haven't really researched anything. Also, I don't have $250 lying around for a recorder. So, I'll probably continue to use the Tunetalk so that I can review shows and improve (hopefully) my performance.

I will still post a few recordings on my reverbnation.com site. I was going to put these up only for fans, but since the records have their faults, I'll probably allow them for anyone to download. Currently, songs from "Blue Horizons" and "Lava Lamp (Acoustic)" are on the site for streaming only.

I'll post again when I get some songs uploaded.

Sincerely,
Lawtonious "SCREEECH" Funk

Awesome.

2009-05-20T05:12:00.000-07:00

I want to find this trail . . . and watch someone else ride it. (Hey, you've seen the whole of my jumping abilities below.)

DMB . . . this one's for you Wha!

2009-05-12T10:55:00.001-07:00

Every Dave Matthews Band Song Ever -- powered by Cracked.com

New Music for Fans

2009-05-04T06:26:00.000-07:00

So,

My new music site is reverbnation.com/willlawton. If you notice the music player on the right does not have as many songs as it used to. Well, you can still listen to most of that music. If you go to my reverbnation site and sign up as a fan, you'll be able to stream/download fan exclusive music. As of right now, the entire new album, "Lava Lamp (Acoustic)" is available for fans (streaming only.)

I will add unreleased songs and live performances for download as I play shows. So, if you'd like to get new version of "The Beer Song" or unreleased songs (Big Jim, Ramshackle Blues, etc) all you have to do is sign up as a fan.

I would think that you wouldn't want to sign up because no one wants a spam email every week from some starving artist. Well, to date, I have sent four official newletters (since 1999). That adds up to less than one email every two years. I have no plans on harrassing my fans and friends.

So, check the reverbnation site for the latest music, and check back here for updates on the status of "Lava Lamp (Acoustic)." I should be getting the album in a couple weeks, and it should be available on line a few weeks after that.

You have my gratitude,
Lawtonious Funk

Care of Collegehumor.com

2009-04-30T13:36:00.000-07:00

You think this is all a joke? So did these old ladies. Now they're dead.

Watch 1976 Swine Flu PSA and more funny videos on CollegeHumor

Blue Clay Trails - Wilmington, NC

2009-04-24T05:40:00.000-07:00

Here are a couple pictures of a trip Kyle, Casey, Heather, and I took to Blue Clay trails. You can check out the rest on facebook. These sum up my stunting ability. No, really, that's all I got. If you want to see some cool stunts. Check out the pictures of Kyle.I'm a lot better at log piles now.

I believe I can fly!

You wish you had my skillz.

Sincerely,
Lawtonious "Air" Funk

Recording of the Acoustic Album is Finished!

2009-04-22T05:05:00.000-07:00

The Lava Lamp (Acoustic) album is almost completely done! I have finished recording all of the songs, and most of the artwork is for the cover is complete. If you'd like to hear a rough cut of the music, you can listen to the entire album on the sidebar player. If you go to reverbnation.com/willlawton (or just click the wah-wah pedal) you can see read all of the lyrics as well. I am still refining the mastering so some of the volume/pan/effects of the tracks will be touched up (think DMB's Lilleywhite Sessions vs. Busted Stuff) .

For as much as I built this album up in my head, recording was surprisingly easy. I guess I've been performing most of these songs for a fewyears. Of course, I wrote and recorded, "Wild and Free" from 1:30 to 3:30AM on a Saturday. So, the acoustic version you hear of it is basically the first time the song was played. I like to record songs as I write them because I can capture the feel of the song even if I don't have all of the lyrics/chords, yet.

"Southern Groove" is also a completely new song on the album. I have been kicking around the idea of having a good southern fried funk song on the album with a cool harmonica part and a slide guitar for quite a while. I actually wrote the hook for SG a few months ago, and forgot it. We were headed out to see a movie, and I didn't record a rough track of it - just like that it was gone. This was pretty upsetting for me because I hadn't written a line of music in two years. At the time Cyndi implied it sounded like crap and didn't really understand why I was brandishing a frying pan and screaming like a lunatic, but she only heard what I was actually playing which was far worse than what I was attempting to play;) The night my sister went into labor, it came back. Being that I was in a great mood, I wanted to write about what makes me happy . . . This happened at about 11:00PM while Cyndi was sleeping downstairs (getting up at 5 to go to work.) I wasn't going to screw up and forget this one without recording it first. So, I recorded a couple guitar parts as quietly as I could. I stumbled on the a cool guitar lick for the verses and that was all she wrote.

I'll be sure to let you all know when/where the album will be available for purchase. I will only be making 100 CD's of the acoustic album to start out as I have to save money for the little Funker in my wife's belly.

You have my gratitude,
Lawtonious Funk

Oh, No, Not Again . . .

2009-04-06T12:03:00.000-07:00

So,

One of the guys at work always listens to music on youtube. Well, he kept downloading and playing Joe Cocker's version of "A little Help From My Friends."

It made me think, "I kind of like this song. Wasn't this the theme song to-DAMN IT! KEVIN NEVER GOT WINNIE!! FUCKING WONDER YEARS."

That is all,
Lawtonious "It's just not right." Funk

The President's Speech at G20 (sans Teleprompter)

2009-04-06T05:20:00.000-07:00

"So, an Indian, a Frenchman, and the Pope are all on a plane. The pilot says, "Hey, are any of you not circumcised?" So the Pope lifts up his robe and says, "Shut up, stupid! You don't even speak English!" The Israeli asks the Japanese guy to open his eyes, but the Japanese man says, "I'm not squinting you crazy Jew, you're the one who sold me these cheap glasses!" What's the difference between a Belgian and a lump of dog shit? The Belgian drinks wine, but the dog shit smells good."

Charlie the Unicorn

2009-04-01T12:11:00.000-07:00

I don't know why this so funny.

Lava Lamp

2009-03-30T18:41:00.000-07:00

I've recorded the acoustic version of Lava Lamp, the title track to my new album. You can listen to it in the window on the right. I am adding lyrics to the reverbnation site. In the meantime, here are the lyrics to Lava Lamp:

“Lava Lamp”

Will Lawton

I can see the way she turns the world around her soul to burn.

Twisting every movement to a sensual display.

Frolics in the night again intentions are so evident,

And all the boys are hoping they can be her next mistake.

He’ll walk her calmly to her car two blocks from the city bar,

Hoping for a motion of continued escapade.

She’ll ask him in when they get home, her roommate gone they’re all alone,

And timing’s such a hassle in this game of give and take.

Fostering in melting pieces

Bent and blended through the light

Heaven knows she looks so radiant tonight

Often yields an imitation

Of fallen pantomime

Captivated by sweet Aphrodite’s fire

She wakes to find the man is gone. He’s left his number on her phone,

The night before. She’s almost sure this time it won’t be fake.

She calls him up in seconds flat and gets the local Laundromat.

Suddenly, she finds she isn’t feeling very clean.

Falls for all the lines.

Wrong at every turn.

Don’t she know she’ll just get burned?

Sleeping in the fire.

Will she ever learn?

Don’t she know she’ll just get burned?

The Lava Lamp is Warming Up

2009-03-25T13:35:00.000-07:00

As you can see, things have been changing in the world of Lawtonious Funk. I have updated my blog to reflect my new information regarding my new music site at reverbnation.com (click the wah-wah pedal.) "Lava Lamp" my upcoming new album is actually progressing. I will be releasing two cds. One will be the full blown album and the other will be a stripped down version of the music titled, "Lava Lamp (Naked)." As I record, I'll be posting my music to the music player on the left. So, you can stream any song you like to get a taste of what's to come.

I hope to have the acoustic CD done first and released in the next couple months. This will be a limited release used to promote the upcoming full band album. All songs will be available for purchase online as well.

Well, I have to get back to my day job. Working makes the time go by much faster:)

Sincerely,
Lawtonious Funk

Funk Music is Everywhere.

2009-03-13T05:17:00.000-07:00

Courtesy of Literal Barrage.

Your Welcome,
Lawtonious Funk

Lots of people wear masks!

2009-01-30T06:06:00.000-08:00

Pole Position

2009-01-09T07:54:00.000-08:00

After a bitter, cynical (hopefully humorous) post, I thought I should post something a little happier. Here's a commercial for Pole Position for Atari.

"It'll bust your crank, and leave skid marks on your soul."

Sincerely,
Lawtonious "He said 'crank' and 'skid marks' heh, heh" Funk

Male Virgins = Satan's Time Bombs

2008-12-08T13:13:00.000-08:00

The other day Dr. Cyndi was talking about some guy she worked with and I said that there was something off about him, and I didn't like him. The following conversation followed:

Dr. Cyndi: Funk, you don't trust any guy that over the age of 16 and still a virgin.

Funk: Really? What makes you say that?

Dr. Cyndi: Think about it.

Funk: Look, the 21+ year old virgin guys from FCA and at MUSC all either 1. have date-rape-face or 2. look like they are going to start a Kool-aid cult . . . but on other hand, maybe you're right . . . Well, Scotter was a virgin before he got married and I trusted him.

Dr. Cyndi: Funk, Scotter told you about 20 sexual position jokes the first week you met him including the divot, the hairy monkey, the dirty Sanchez . . . he wasn't a virgin.

Funk: Okay, Okay, you're right. What does that mean if we have a son? How am I going to tell him to wait until marriage while I give him the "if you don't get laid soon, I'm kicking your date-rape-face-Kool-Aid-Cult ass out of my house" look?

That is all,
Lawtonious Funk

Christmas Vacation . . . Movies

2008-12-04T07:14:00.001-08:00

It's that time of year. That special time when we all get to watch our favorite Christmas movies. Here are my top 5:

1. Christmas Vacation
2. A Christmas Story
3. The Long Kiss Goodnight
4. It's a Wonderful Life
5. Die Hard

I also like the following:

1. A Christmas Carol
2. Scrooged
3. How the Grinch Stole Christmas (Cartoon)

I feel like I've been watching the same 3 movies year in and year out. Don't get me wrong. I'm totally watching Christmas Vacation again and I've already seen The Long Kiss Goodnight, but I want more. So, what's your favorite 5 Christmas movies? How about your least favorite?

Merry Christmas,
Lawtonious "Little Full - Lot of sap" Funk

JCVD

2008-11-03T10:35:00.000-08:00

HOLY FUCK BALLS!!!!

NOT SINCE THE LEGIONNAIRE OR TIMECOP HAS JEAN-CLAUDE VAN DAMME KICKED THIS MUCH ASS. . . .

"Between his tax problems and his legal battle with his wife for the custody of his daughter, these are hard times for the action movie star who finds that even Steven Seagal has pinched a role from him! In JCVD, Jean-Claude Van Damme returns to the country of his birth to seek the peace and tranquility he can no longer enjoy in the United States. "

The man has taken a page from Ben Stiller's Tropic Thunder and is completely mocking himself. This is going to be fucking awesome.

Sincerely,
Lawtonious "Van Damme is the Van Halen of Kickboxing" Funk

Batman: The Dark Knight

2008-10-30T09:48:00.000-07:00

So,

"Batman Begins" was on last night and I caught a little bit of it. Then, I thought about how cool "The Dark Knight" was. Well, it was cool except for one detail Literal Barrage brought up. Batman does the 'Scary' Batman voice way too much. Then, I thought, "What would the 'scary' voice Batman sound like while motorboating . . .""Blahb blahb, blahb, blahb, blahb, blahb, blahb, blahb, blahb, blahb, blahb, blahb, blahb, blahb"

Yeah, that's what it'd sound like.

Sincerely,
Lawtonious Funk

Diamonds!!!

2008-09-22T05:52:00.000-07:00

"I'm going to lob you into the ocean . . . but I loved him."

Take a good look at this picture. It won't be long before some watery old tart throws this thing into the Atlantic Ocean.

At 478 carats, thing of all the starving blood diamond slaves that could benefit from the sale of this baby. I am sure the Krupp (De Beers, whatever) family will do all they can to help others with their new diamond.

Motivation . . .

2008-09-08T10:30:00.000-07:00

When Clemson blows it, TB will should play the following video saying, "This is what you did to your BCS chances . . ."

Okay, maybe I just wanted to post that video because it is so wrong and so funny.

That is all,
Lawtonious Funk

Samuel Adams Boston Ale

2008-09-04T10:57:00.000-07:00

For the Clemson VS Alabama debacle, I decided to try a new beer. Choosing a safe bet, I went with the Samuel Adams Boston Ale, and I have to say, this was an excellent choice. I bought a six pack and drank two that night. I have been savoring the other four over the course of the week, and could not be happier with my decision. This is the kind of beer you have with a good steak. It's heavy and delicious From the Samuel Adams web site:

Samuel Adams® Boston Ale was first brewed to celebrate the opening of our Boston Brewery. Like Samuel Adams Boston Lager®, it was an old family recipe that was rescued by Jim Koch from his father's attic. Samuel Adams® Boston Ale, a Stock Ale, has a complex, caramel malt character balanced with distinct spicy and herbal hop notes. Our proprietary ale yeast imparts a variety of fruit and ester notes in both the nose and flavor which are indicative of the style.

My favorite moment with this beer thus far has been sitting on my back porch, playing guitar, and drinking a cold Ale. This beer is what they are talking about in Beerfest when they say

That brewery turns out 10,000 bottles of beer a day. I take 45 off the assembly line, and I'm the asswhole!

No wait I meant:

I wish it were winter, so we could freeze it into blocks and skate on it, then melt it in the spring and drink it!!

So, I gave old Samuel Adams a chance . . . all of this because of a Samuel Jackson skit . . .

Mountain Bike Crashes

2008-08-28T13:48:00.000-07:00

This is why I don't do jumps . . . well, not real ones, anyway.

Lake Crabtree

2008-08-25T12:53:00.000-07:00

I went to Lake Crabtree trail this past weekend and had a blast. The trail was pretty smooth. One item of note was the pump track. Although, I must say I wasn't able to look near as cool as the guys in the video.

Oh, no! Look Out . . .

2008-08-20T17:07:00.001-07:00

Too bad those bitches don't get to bowl against us . . .

THIS JUST IN . . .

2008-08-19T08:11:00.000-07:00

BATMAN and CATWOMAN'S LOVE CHILD REVEALED!!!courtesy of drudgereport.com

FOOTBALL TICKETS!!!

2008-08-17T15:42:00.000-07:00

Well, Dr. Cyndi and I won't feel so bad about missing church on Sundays after football games . . . our tickets are so high up we're practically sitting in heaven. We also won't be upset about not working out on Saturdays as we will be parking halfway to Pendleton. That being said, we're so freaking excited to finally have season tickets! Eventually, we will donate enough for better seats and earn points in the process, but it's nice to know we're on our way.

New Star Wars Movie Opens August 14th!

2008-08-13T11:32:00.000-07:00

But I'm really not that excited. It's a cartoon. I'm happy for my 5 year old nephew as he will love it, but it won't be as awesome as the original . . .

Legend Park In Clayton, NC

2008-08-06T08:55:00.000-07:00

Here's the other trail I go riding on. Hopefully, we'll go pretty soon so I can try out the new bike.

Sincerely,
Lawtonious "It's a lot steeper than it looks" Funk

Bicycle Post Trails in Greenville, NC

2008-08-05T11:34:00.000-07:00

Now that I know how to show videos online, check out where I go mountain biking in Greenville, NC.

Granted, there are much cooler parts on the trail than shown here, but it's pretty cool to share.

Sincerely,
Lawtonious "I can ride my bike with no handlebars" Funk

Feeling a little Patriotic.

2008-08-04T09:35:00.000-07:00

"America, Fuck Yeah"

Trey Parker

I always thought adding videos would be hard. It took me 30 seconds to figure this out. Wow, I could have had a lot better posts. Just as pointless, but funny, nontheless.

Sincerely,

Lawtonious "Fuck Yeah" Funk

I have become a symbol of the possibility of America returning to its best traditions.

2008-07-31T08:28:00.001-07:00

I have become a symbol of the possibility of America returning to its best traditions.

Sincerely,

Lawtonious "I have become a symbol of the possibility of America returning to its best traditions." Funk

His name is Pickens . . . and he has a Plan!

2008-07-24T10:10:00.000-07:00

At this point we've all seen the commercials about the The Pickens Plan. I think I speak for everyone when I say, "I like the idea of becoming energy independent." I also like using renewable energy. What we need to do is let everyone know about this plan. How? You say . . .

We make copies.

But what is the Pickens Plan? Well, we use wind and solar power in the United states thereby freeing up the natural gas which we use to run our cars. That's it. That's the plan. Here's a picture:

US Solar Wind Gas

So, what's in it for T. Boone? Well, he owns a rather large wind company. So, if he gets government subsidization, he'll be able to become very rich. The thing is, he was an oil tycoon. So, he is rich.

I don't know what his evil plan may be, but right now, I like it.

However, I know one group already that has to fee a little ripped off:Fire Earth Heart Water Wind
Solar USA Hydro Wind

We need all five to make Captain Planet! Sure, we have Fire, Earth, Water, and Wind, but what about heart? Where is Ma-Ti!

I guess that all of us will have to bond together and be the heart in T. Boone Pickens' Plan.

Let's make this old guy rich.

Sincerely,
Lawtonious "But I never liked the little faggy Indian scrub" Funk

My New Ride

2008-07-22T08:25:00.000-07:00

I'll be picking up my new bike today. It's going to be great going from a hard-tail bike with 1 inch of front 'suspension' to a dual suspension bike with 4 inches of front suspension.

Sincerely,

Lawtonious "I'm still not jumping off any cliffs" Funk

Dateline: To Catch The Predator

2008-07-08T09:44:00.000-07:00

I saw the strangest Dateline the other day. Here’s the breakdown . . .

(The Predator walks into the kitchen of a white two story house in a California Suburb.)

From another room Arnold Schwarzenegger calls out:

"Come on in. I just have to take a quick shower."

Then, all of the sudden Chris Hansen steps out of a curtain drawn doorway!

(The Predator cloaks himself)

Chris Hansen: No, no, I can still see the outline of your body. Just have a seat."

The Predator: (in his predator voice) Who the fuck are you!

Chris Hansen: I"m Chris Hansen from Dateline . . . Now, we have some transcripts from an online chat room and there is some pretty nasty stuff you want to do to Arnold Schwarzenegger. I just want to know why? You drove over 1 million miles to, well, I'd rather not repeat this, why?

The Predator: (with his head slouched down and his dreds hanging over his face) I'm stupid. I know it's wrong. I just like the hunt, you know. I'm stupid. Is there anything I can do?

Chris Hansen: I"m not the police, and you're free to leave anytime.

The Predator leaves the room, and the county police immediately arrest him. I guess he's not going to get any Arnold.

Dateline

2008-07-04T20:24:00.001-07:00

So,

In searching for some patriotic TV for the 4^th, all I found was a marathon of Dateline NBC’s “To Catch a Predator.”

After watching 2+ hours of this the following things are going through my head:

I never want to be on dateline.
People are freaking sick.
I wish I could send a pizza guy to the Dateline NBC house . . .

Chris Hansen: Have a seat. (He always walks in from out of no where and tells these guys to sit and they do – you’d think one would just run like hell.)

Pizza Guy: Hey, Chris Hansen, you ordered a pepperoni pizza?

Chris Hansen: No Mr. “YOUNGGIRLLOVER486” I’m here to talk about you wanting to have sex with a 13 year old boy.

Pizza Guy: I’m just here to deliver a pizza?!

Chris Hansen: Now, this one I’ve never heard before.

Stop the press, I’m watching right now and the next guy is a pizza delivery guy (for a living) he’s not delivery anything but perversion.

Anyway, this show is freaking crazy.

Sincerely,

Lawtonious Funk

Clemson Fan in East Carolina . . . the math

2008-06-26T06:19:00.001-07:00

So,

I bought season tickets this year, and I just did a quick calculation of how much it will cost to drive my Jeep to all of the home games:

800 miles

18 MPG

$4.00/gallon

Total $178

Now, what if I had a fuel efficient vehicle . . .

800 miles

36 MPG

$4.00/gallon

Total $89

Now, what if I had a hybird vehicle . . .

800 miles

45 MPG

$4.00/gallon

Total $71

So, over 7 home games I would save $623 driving a 4 cylinder Honda and $749 driving a Hybrid. A new Civic 4-door Sedan costs an average of $21,162. A new Civic 4-door Hybrid Sedan costs an Average of $24,645.

I guess when it is time to buy a new vehicle, I’ll have to get something more fuel efficient, but for now, I’ll just have to tighten the belt elsewhere.

Sincerely,

Lawtonious Funk

George Carlin - RIP

2008-06-23T09:37:00.001-07:00

I’m not going to say George is in a better place. I’m not going to say, “I’m keeping him in my thoughts between do I get more coffee or do I fuck the waitress.” I’m not going to say George is smiling down on us and is pleased. I think he’s down there now.

He was an old fuck, and he made me laugh.

Sincerely,

Lawtonious Funk

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FvImP6P_czc

31st B-day is on a Friday

2008-06-23T07:57:00.000-07:00

. . . and of course, Cyndi is working a 24 hour shift. What to do, what to do . . .

Sincerely,

Lawtonious "It's a joke, people - a joke" Funk

Mariokart Wii

2008-06-19T10:21:00.001-07:00

I got the game for my B-day, and let me say this. It is everything I wanted and more. Mariokart Wii has 16 new levels as well as 16 classic levels from Super Nintendo, N64, Gamecube, and Nintendo DS. It’s freakin’ awesome. I have yet to play online, and I am already completely satisfied. Now, you can race little bikes as well as karts. Anyway, if anyone with a Wii wants to race online, let me know.

Sincerely,

Lawtonious “I’m 31 years young on June 27” Funk

S.S. Mayday - A Three Hour Tour

2008-06-09T12:16:00.000-07:00

Dr. Cyndi and I took the S.S. Mayday out on the Pamlico Sound this weekend. Well, looking at the map again, I’m not sure we were technically that close into the ocean. I’d say we were on the Tar/Pamlico Rivers, but I digress. It took us about 25 to 30 minutes to get to Washington to put in. I thought this would be bad, but it was an easy drive.

Thankfully, Mayday didn’t live up to her name. After dropping about $900 in repairs and maintenance, I was happy to actually take the old money hole out on the water. Although Cyndi didn’t appreciate me checking the hull every half hour to see if we were taking on water (none), I still felt the urge to check. We put in on Runyon Creek and proceeded to go down the Tar/Pamlico River. We stayed to the left, crossed the river and came back up the other side just to look at the sites. I never really thought of a river being so wide you would have to cross it in order to look at the houses on the other side, but that was the case. Eventually we went north of where we put in and saw the Washington, NC city waterfront.

Washington Waterfront

I really enjoyed this. Eventually Cyndi convinced me we should stop the boat and swim. This involves doing two things that worry me:

Turning off a perfectly fine engine.
Throwing away a perfectly fine anchor.

If you recall from previous posts, I haven’t have good luck with either. Most notably at Bird Key Island Mayday tried to float away while Cyndi and I were on the back side of the island. Someone (I’m not naming any names. We’ll just call him L. Funk) didn’t set the anchor properly when he beached the boat. Then, there was the time, also at Bird Key that Cyndi put the anchor in the boat and pushed Madison and I off before the engine had cranked. As we were floating towards a rather large barge that was ‘coming right for us’ Madison abandoned ship. She looked at me-back at land-back at me and jumped out of the boat for the first and only time she has ever done that. I pulled out a wrench, jiggled the battery connections and started the boat with let’s say 30 feet to spare!

So, the first time we anchored in shallow water just up river of where we put in. My logic was, if the boat won’t start, we’ll paddle with the current to the creek. Apparently, I hadn’t explained how to operate our 20 year old depth finder to Cyndi. What she thought was 10 feet was actually 3. We found out when she jumped in the water and hit bottom. Luckily, 3 feet is the minimum we need to not beach. So, we were fine. The second time we anchored and swam in 10 ft of water down river as far south as we went. It was truly a beautiful spot. Luckily Mayday had a brand new battery and started right up both times.

We weren’t completely unscathed in our adventure however. Putting the boat back on the trailer took no less than 30 minutes of WTF?!?! Cyndi was driving the boat towards the trailer and couldn’t line it up right. I can’t really blame her thought. She couldn’t see the trailer to line it up because the ramp ended too soon. So, while frustrating-it was understandable.

We then proceeded to eat lunch at Backwater Jacks. This place was awesome. It felt like we were on vacation. Backwater Jacks is a Tiki Bar/Margaritaville type restaurant with outside seating. We sat outside on a porch with fans blowing cool mist on us and drank beers with limes in them. Cyndi had coronas and I had something called a Landshark.

Well, that sums up what I will hope to be a regular occurrence this summer. If anyone wants to come down and go out on the boat, let me know.

Sincerely,
Lawtonious Funk

Back Pain . . .

2008-06-09T08:38:00.001-07:00

So,

Last week I thought I had slipped another disc. Well, I’m pretty sure I’m okay. The pain has gone down significantly. Hell, I mowed the lawn (pushmower) yesterday. So, I think I just strained it severely and upset some scar tissue. Hopefully, I’ll be back to 100% in another week.

Sincerely,

Lawtonious Funk

Oh shit, not again.

2008-06-05T07:50:00.001-07:00

I woke up this morning with the worst back pain I’ve had since before I has surgery. I can’t move. I’m sweating and the exact disc I had repaired is freaking killing me. I took three advil thinking it would calm down and work would be fine . . . that didn’t work. I am so freaking out right now.

I went bike riding yesterday. I felt fine afterwards, but my back was a little sore at work. I blamed it on my pants being too tight because I just went on vacation and gained 5 lbs. Well, I’ll be going on a diet starting, let’s say-now.

I really don’t want to hurt like this again for a long time. It’s not as bad as it used to be, but it certainly isn’t minor pain. I’m totally freaking out right now. I hated the part of my life when my back hurt all the time.

Sincerely,

Lawtonious “Old Man Lawton . . . Keeps on bitchin’” Funk

The Dark Tower

2008-06-04T11:07:00.001-07:00

So,

Last night while reading ‘The Dark Tower,” the last book in Stephen King’s the “Dark Tower” series, I was watching McCain’s Speech and Hillary Clinton’s nonconcession speech. I couldn’t hear a work Hilldog, said, though, because of the clown to the back left of her. He’s the asshat wearing the camera and the yellow and red striped shirt. He got on my last nerve. I guess Hillary couldn’t bear to concede with fuckjob like that behind her. She was too worried about getting away from that freak-show behind her she gave her victory speech.

It’s funny to watch the black guy in the tie get more and more annoyed by Opey.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=UVlTSfW6XGg

Sincerely,

Lawtonious “I’m voting for Cobra Commander” Funk

http://youtube.com/watch?v=yzrd6eVAsjA

Golf

2008-05-23T09:34:00.000-07:00

I chipped in a shot from a sand trap to get a birdie the other day. It was on the 9th hole and put me at 9 over par. Which means I played boggie golf.

I'm thinking about getting some new irons. I currently using somebody's grandpa's irons. I was thinking about getting Callaway knock-offs (integra I-drive). I need some advise.

Should I get steel or graphite shafts?
Should I get them frequency matching?
Spine allignment?

If I get all of that done it comes up to about $230. This icludes custom size for my short stature.
Is that a good deal?

What do you think?

Sincerely,
Lawtonious "Next time I'll yell Fore" Funk

Lost On Tuesday: I'm getting the band back together.

2008-05-19T20:03:00.000-07:00

Well,

I have finished compiling all of the LOT music on my computer. I'm going to burn CDs tomorrow. It's 11:00PM. I finished about 1.5 hours ago, but I can't sleep. My heart has been beating 100 miles an hour.

When I was mastering all of those songs, I guess I felt like I was in the band again. It took me back, man. It wasn't just the music. I could hear Thomas picking on his friends in audience in between songs. I kept hearing Brad saying, "How's that song go . . ." I kept hearing Patrick save me from my awkward pauses as I tried to front the band even though I was basically a shy guy learning how to talk to people. Bryan would play certain base lines as a secret way of saying "we have to play the next song - awkard pause."

When we played, at first I heard every mistake. Then, I heard how Patrick was covering for so many of them. He saved me a couple times. Then, Thomas learned how to 'improvise' when he played the 'wrong' note.

Between listening to all of the music, some good, some bad, and some fucking unbelievable, I became a fan of my old band. Then, I finished mastering.

It's like we broke up again. I don't get to hang out with the guys anymore. We don't get to joke in practice about how bad a first take was. I don't get to hear the Patrick/Thomas version of Blink 182's Damnit. All of the sudden, Brad's in Virginia, Thomas and Bryan are in Charleston, Patrick is in Knoxville, and I'm in Greenville, NC. I haven't spoken to many of these guys in years. We aren't that close anymore and the worse thing is . . . THEY DON'T HAVE THIS MUSIC!!!

If I can't track them down, I have robbed them of a huge part of their lives. Not just being in the best funk rock band in the multiverse, but because I just listened to all of our music we recorded and these guys put their blood, sweat, tears, and heart into this.

I swear on all that if funky I am getting a copy to these guys. I don't know if they hate me, like me, or couldn't give a shit about me now - they loved our band. I owe them the music. I probably owe them much more than that, but at the least, I owe them this part of their souls back.

Sincerely,

Lawtonious "looking for the lost members" Funk

T, A - TAINTED . . . L, O - LOVE

2008-05-19T10:21:00.000-07:00

When we played “Tainted Love,” Agent Orange played the same drum beat as the Phonics Monkey.

Sincerely,
Lawtonious “If you're monkey arrived in the box dead, call 555-4500 to get a new monkey” Funk

Lost On Tuesday . . . The lost music.

2008-05-14T05:50:00.000-07:00

I’ve been spending about 2 hours a night digitally re-mastering the Lost on Tuesday “Live At Explorers” show. It’s exciting and frustrating at the same time. I really to go back in time for two reasons:

To have a sound guy that could recognize Thomas’ guitar was too loud at the explorers show.
To slap Stinky Tom for drinking too much before the show. Everyone else played fairly well, but Stinky lived up to his name. I know he can play ten times better than he did. Ahhhhh!!

I haven’t found the Kincaid’s Tavern tapes, yet. I believe they were recorded at too high a volume. Therefore, there is clipping when the band gets loud. However, my program has a de-clipping button. I’m going to give it a shot. There are some songs we didn’t play at Explorer’s that are pretty cool. If I can get those on a CD, I’ll do it. Even if they are bad quality sound. Besides, we played really well at Kincaid’s Tavern.

I have found the original “Resident Idiot” Demo CD. So, those three songs will be on the big CD mix I am making. I am also going to put at least one practice session on there, just for fun.

Sincerely,

Lawtonious Funk

Birdie!

2008-05-12T11:58:00.000-07:00

So,

There is a Par 3, 9 hole, pitch and put course less than 5 minutes from where I work. Therefore, I play golf 3 out of 5 days during lunch. Well, today I hit my first birdie. It was an 80 yard hit to the green into the wind that was also blowing slightly left to right. I landed about 10 feet from the hole on the top of a hill and I sank the second shot. It felt especially good because I was hitting well the whole time. So, it felt more like skill than luck. I ended the day 10 over par at 37. It’s the best score of me and the other guy who play to date. (Sure, we both stink.) So, I have a goal to beat.

Havin’ a good time,

Lawtonious “Now if only I could drive over 200 yards” Funk

LOST ON TUESDAY

2008-05-12T06:40:00.000-07:00

I’m on a mission . . . a mission for more cowbell!

But seriously, Agent Orange has been asking me for a copy of all our old band’s music for six or so years now. Well, I have all of the originals on my Ipod. I was going to burn them to CD when I thought, what if I found the old 4 track tapes and put the covers on there, too? What if that show with the distorted recordings isn’t that bad. Well, I have found the tapes, and it brings up a few thoughts:

I thought I could sing so much better now, than before, until I heard another tape than the one I have. Apparently, on our recorded show, I was just having a bad day.
For some reason I cut out some of the crown commentary during the Explorer’s show. Most notably is the comment, “Our bassist says his strap is broken, but he’s really just too drunk to stand right now.” Rock and fucking roll baby!!!!
We recorded a few songs to give to our bassist to listen to and then practice for shows. I’m going to see what I can make of those. I heard a snippet of “Calmly” and of “Shaft.”
Apparently, we played every song like we were on crack. I WANT TO GO FAST!!!!
‘Calling to the Night’ sounds really cool with the full band.

Agent, I’ll put something in the mail by the end of the week. If anyone else wants a copy for their listening enjoyment, let me know.

Sincerely,

Lawtonious “Have some tea-just not mine” Funk

The Sit and Spin Zone . . .

2008-05-05T11:50:00.000-07:00

I haven’t posted in a while. So, I’ll make this random opinion for you.

I hate Bill O’Reilly. Don’t get me wrong – I usually agree with most of what he says, but the guy is a friggin’ jerk. You know what? He’s an ass-a pompous ass. I just want to beat that condescending smirk off of his face. What a prick. I swore I’d never call anyone this because it’s the new hip insult, but Bill O’Reilly is an asshat.

Or am I thinking about Bill Maher?

Maybe it’s both? After all, Maher is just the dirty Sanchez to O’Reilly’s missionary. What I hate about one, I hate about the other. If Bill Maher ever shows up O’Reilly’s show, I’ll probably throw my TV through the wall.

On a side note, I watch Fox News in the morning for the same reason I watch the Special Olympics.

Sincerely,

Lawtonious “I don’t need a reason. I don’t like him.” Funk

WALK HARD

2008-04-15T09:08:00.000-07:00

I watched “Walk Hard” this past weekend. My favorite clip of the movie is a parody on Ray with Ray walking into a room and beginning to do drugs . . . Here’s how it went down with Dewie Cox . . .

Sam: [after Dewey accidentally barges in a room filled with smoke and groupies]
[coughs]
Sam: Get outta here, Dewey!
Dewey Cox: What are y'all doin' in here?
Sam: We're smoking reefer and you don't want no part of this shit.
Dewey Cox: You're smoking *reefers*?
Sam: Yeah, 'course we are; can't you smell it?
Dewey Cox: No, Sam. I can't.
Girl Groupie: Come on, Dewey! Join the party!
[takes a hit off a joint]
Sam: No, Dewey, you don't want this. Get outta here!
Dewey Cox: You know what, I don't want no hangover. I can't get no hangover.
Sam: It doesn't give you a hangover!
Dewey Cox: Wha-I get addicted to it or something?
Sam: It's not habit-forming!
Dewey Cox: Oh, okay... well, I don't know... I don't want to overdose on it.
Sam: You can't OD on it!
Dewey Cox: It's not gonna make me wanna have sex, is it?
Sam: It makes sex even better!
Dewey Cox: Sounds kind of expensive.
Sam: It's the cheapest drug there is.
Dewey Cox: [at a loss and out of excuses] Hmm.
Sam: You don't want it!
Dewey Cox: I think I kinda want it.
Sam: Okay, but just this once. Come on in.

Sincerely,

Lawtonious Funk

Which brings me to my next point:

2008-04-03T10:14:00.000-07:00

Found this gem online:

Which made me think of this:

It's 3AM . . .

2008-04-02T13:12:00.001-07:00

And Hillary is awake and dressed. She’s working on the economy?

I guess she’s just waiting for Bill to get home from a long night at the strip club. When you’re an ex-president, there is sex in the champagne room . . . well, not technically sex . . . but cigars . . .

Barack 'Dancin' Machine' Obama

2008-04-01T13:54:00.000-07:00

Clearly he gets his moves from his dead (or is she just white-well dead to him) grandmother . . . or is it from Rick Astley?

You Decide 2008

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eBGIQ7ZuuiU

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4cjtRgnj7pA

3AM?

2008-03-27T07:49:00.001-07:00

When that phone rings at 3AM, who do you want on the other end?

"Barrak, Barrak, it's Rev. Wright! Turn the phone around I want to talk about how much we hate honkeys and jews!"

"One wrong move sniper girl, and I'll kill us all!"

"Do not yield. Do not flinch. Stand up. Stand up with our President and fight. We're Americans. We're Americans, and we'll never surrender. They will."

John McCain for President!

He knows how to answer the phone and everything!

I went of facebook again . . .

2008-03-25T12:06:00.000-07:00

. . . and I really think it’s just a prepubescent form of S&M. Now, here me out. I don’t use it like IM. I rarely talk to people on it. All I do is find people I know and ask if we’re friends. And people ask me if I will be their friend. Now, I’ve written on the occasional wall, but really, most of my time on facebook is what I referenced above.

So, all that goes through my head when I ask if some guy/girl I haven’t talked to in 5 to 10 years if he/she wants to be ‘facebook’ friends is “What if he/she says no?” If they say yes, I have one more ‘friend’ on facebook. So what? Who cares? End of the story. My existence has been validated. If they say no, I’ve allowed myself to shunned. I feel stupid and know that if I ever have a birthday party that bastard/bitch isn’t coming . . .that hasn’t actually happened, yet.

Now, if someone asks me if they want to be friends, I say yes. I try to remember where I know them from, and feel a little embarrassed if I don’t recall right away. So far, I swear I am only friends with one person I don’t know. Well, I’m pretty sure she doesn’t actually exist, but the picture is hot.

So, why does anyone put themselves though this? It’s like asking a girl to ‘go’ with you in 4^th grade. You’re not going anywhere. It doesn’t mean anything, but for some sick reason, you ask. She says ‘yes’ and you ‘go’ together for maybe 3 days. Then, she dumps you and . . . you care. Your feelings are hurt. . . or she says no and you feel a little less valuable to the human race. I can vividly remember asking a girl out in elementary school and thinking, “What if she says yes? I don’t really know what to do with that. I’m nine.”

I guess it can be exciting in a masochistic way. The moments between becoming facebook friends with someone can be interesting. You think, “I wonder if Bob remembers me. He does owe me money. I bet he thinks I care about that. Why would I ask him to friends if I cared? That was ages ago. The sonofabitch better be my friend. It’s the least he can do for that 20 I loaned him. Oh, we’re friends. I wonder if he’s friends with anyone I used to be friends with. I’ll go check his page.”

Anyway, my sister Ginny and I are now facebook friends. So, I got that going for me.

Sincerely,

Lawtonious Funk

My off-beat sense of humor.

2008-03-21T10:06:00.000-07:00

I used to wonder where I got my wacky sense of humor.

Today, I’ve been reminiscing about how my mom used to tell my sister she was adopted. Sure, we all knew it was a joke, but sometimes I wonder if that messed her up a little. Granted, she looked exactly like my other sister, but she did have a very active imagination.

So, I’m thinking about telling my niece she was adopted.

Sincerely,

Lawtonious “I think its Lawtonious, maybe its Smithonious?” Funk

Fox News: Tijuana, Mexico

2008-03-18T16:29:00.000-07:00

So,

I'm watching Fox News and they are doing this bit on the fact that Tijuana has had a 90% drop in tourism since 2005. The news reporter says that tourist come to this Mexican town for, "throngs of american tourists looking for everything from sex and drugs to more exotic thrills."

Well on the 'sex and drugs' of the narrative the TV shows a sexy blonde woman walking across the street at night. On the 'to more exotic' thrill, Fox news shows us . . .

a donkey.

That is all,
Lawtonious "Clerks 2 was great" Funk

Why I know I'm 30 . . .

2008-03-18T13:04:00.001-07:00

Because I went to a bachelor’s party and got sick the next day . . . with the flu . . . for a week.

I’m still taking all kinds of medicine. Naturally, I had to work overtime as soon as I came down with the virus. I think its just a cold now, but I’m pretty pissed off about it. The weather is nice, and I’ve been inside shivering and sweating for a week.

Sincerely,

Lawtonious “When I drank too much in my 20’s, I just got a headache” Funk

Basketball

2008-03-16T12:29:00.001-07:00

Well,

I picked a good year to start watching Clemson Basketball again. We went to the ACC championship game for the first time since 1962 and for the second time ever. We beat Duke to get there.

Oliver Purnell is a hell of a coach and a classy guy. Man, I can’t believe the season is over . . . because ours isn’t. We’re in the big dance this year, baby.

Here to at least one more game for our gentlemen in purple,

Lawtonious Funk

The Victor

2008-02-26T13:22:00.001-08:00

So,

A woman from work just sent out an email asking anyone who wanted to attend “The Victor” at her church to let her know.

Now, I’ve seen “The Passion of the Christ,” and it hurt. I mean, I sat there next to my wife as she balled into my arm and just hurt. I’m sure I cried, but I don’t remember. I guess it really hit home how badly Christ suffered for our sins, and I don’t think I could ever bear to watch anything like that again.

Could you? Did any of you who saw it rent it and watch it again?

I don’t want to start a debate about passion plays. I’m just wondering if any of you could watch one again.

I just don’t think I can do it. So, I’m going to pass on “The Victor.” I’m out. I’m just not doing that. With all due respect, no. No way. Never again. Not happening.

Sincerely,

Lawtonious Funk

Put this man in cell #1, and give him a drink.

2008-02-18T12:32:00.001-08:00

Yeah, that's what I call Friday.

2008-02-15T14:09:00.001-08:00

Nothing says F-it like standing on you back porch in your pajamas drinking a rum and coke while throwing a toy for your dog . . . at 5:00PM.

One of my neighbor’s dad’s used to walk around his backyard in his PJs with a cigarette in one hand and a hard liqueur drink in the other. I used to think he was weird. Now I know. He simple doesn’t give a shit what others think. He was completely at peace.

Sincerely,

Lawtonious “Now, I’m gonna play Zelda on my Wii!” Funk

Hey There Cobain!

2008-02-13T09:27:00.001-08:00

I think Kurt Cobain had it wrong. He really shouldn’t have shot himself with the shotgun. He should have shot that douchebag from the ‘Plain White T’s’ for writing “Hey there, Delilah.”

Here’s why:

This was a much better song when it was called “Yesterday” and the Beatles wrote it.
The lyrics are basically what any douchebag loser would say to his girlfriend when they go to different colleges. A real man would have written, “Hey there Delilah, while your off in New York city, I’ll be banging your sister and your cousin because they look so pretty covered in my . . .”
As an acoustic guitar player, I have never felt more like pulling and “Animal House” move on anyone who plays this song.
I think Family Guy said it best:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FvQTM1A7V7o

Sincerely,

Lawtonious Funk

Lava Lamp: 2 down, 10 to go.

2008-02-11T05:53:00.001-08:00

Well,

I finished, “Good Morning.” I am starting with the easier songs in hopes that I can figure out better recording methods as the guitar/voice parts become more difficult. Next on the list is “Cold Burn.”

‘Cold Burn’ is a bit of a diary song about how I perceive the world and why. It’s about choosing a life less ordinary. With a cool funk lick and jazzy chords throughout verses and choruses, I really dig this song. Man, I hope I hope I can do it justice.

Sincerely,

Lawtonious “I will not rise only to fall” Funk

Pavlovian Response

2008-02-10T11:51:00.001-08:00

So,

I’m resting on the couch watching TV, and Madison, my dog, is sleeping, snoring actually, on the top of the cushion above me. Well, the show I’m watching ends, and without moving a hair I turn off the TV. At the sound of the TV turning off, Madison jumps up from a dead sleep and runs towards the back door.

Apparently, I throw the toy every time I turn off the TV. Personally, I can’t imagine waking from a dead sleep, and being so energetic. What could possible make a human so happy that we would be willing to wake from a dead sleep and be ready to roll?

If only our lives were so simple.

Sincerely,

Lawtonious Funk

Lavalamp - Immigrant

2008-02-04T07:44:00.001-08:00

Well,

My first song for Lavalamp is finally done. It’s titled “Immigrant” and is a 70’s funk/rock throwback. I will be developing a new web page so that I can put the lyrics and mp3’s online for you guys to check out. I really want the new CD to be good. So, I’ve gone through a bit of a learning curve on how to properly record each instrument and how to properly mix them down. The first song took much longer than the rest. Hopefully, I’ll be able to put one out every two weeks or so. Here are some teaser lyrics for you:

I feel atomic.

Lights In The Room

If I can’t feel what I feel what’s the use in holding on?

Pay My Rent

I can see the way she turns her world around her soul to burn.

Lavalamp

I could be your lover.

Calmly

Xavier smokes a cigarette a lunch every day. Tells himself that everything will be okay.

Xavier

Let the rings of Saturn circle your mind.

Jambalaya

How could certain romance be so deceiving?

Mercutio

I may look like a fool, but I’m leaving here with you.

Good Morning

I was the last child -just a punk in the streets.

Last Child (Aerosmith- 50% sure I’m covering this one.)

I’m here to help you.

Immigrant

I can feel the sun shine on my face.

Cold Burn

I’ll fall right back into your arms.

For Heaven’s Eyes

Sincerely,

Lawtonious “Every great song has a cowbell in it” Funk

UnF#cking Believable . . . Pay to Poop.

2008-01-11T06:17:00.001-08:00

That’s right, NYC want you to pay to poop. What a shitty idea. Hey, you’re in NY did you bring a quarter . . . no . . . Well, you’ll just have to crap your pants, then.

http://wcbstv.com/watercooler/pay.toilet.madison.2.627363.html

I know, I know there are still free restrooms in NYC, but a year ago it was free to park on Folly Beach. Other beaches that provided restrooms and showers had pay parking, but not Folly. Well, now you have to pay to park at Folly with out a bathroom. Pretty soon, the price of a quarter for a 15 minute drop session will go up like the price of gasoline. I can see it now . . .

“China increases taxes on production of pay to poop machines . . . price now runs about $3.50 to drop the Cosby’s off at the pool . . .”

“Tax refunds are being rewarded to those with IBS . . . if you poop more than 4 times a day, keep your receipts . . .”

Oh and don’t forget, if you’re having one of those 25 minute misery sessions in a bathroom and only put in one quarter, well, the door will open on you after fifteen minutes. I’m sure a State Trooper will be stationed outside each bathroom door to ‘Serve’ you an indecent exposure ticket and quickly file you as a sex offender.

Sincerely,

Lawtonious “I go to the bathroom just like you guys . . . but after I’m done, I make hit records” Funk

Wii Update

2008-01-07T06:04:00.001-08:00

Fate has smiled on the Funk household. A coworker of mine’s cousin has moved back in with her family. Her little sister has a Wii. She has a Wii. She sold said Wii, two controllers, two nunchucks, Wii Play, Paper Mario, Wario Ware, and Zelda to me for a steal. It’s in the Jeep now. I can’t wait to get home and play with my Wii.

(Does that sound gay to you? It sounds a little gay to me.)

I also took back my defective 80G hard drive. (It just wouldn’t work after I dropped it off the table.) I got it for Christmas and didn’t have a receipt. I did, however, have the ATM record of the transaction. The manager gave me a gift card at the current value for it in the store which was $25 more than I paid for it. She also said since they were discontinuing that particular drive, I could buy whatever I wanted. I now have a better 160G hard drive that I will be mailing to a certain friend with an acarde system so that I can have every game ever made by anyone!!!

Sincerely,

Lawtonious “Barbecue, tastes so good, make you wanna slap yo' mama!!” Funk

NES Roms

2007-12-27T06:02:00.001-08:00

So,

I have been downloading Roms for my nephew to play and I want to get some of the classic rom games. It seeams that a lot have been banned from romnation.com. Could you guys send me some of the classic ones?

Mario 1, 2, 3

Gauntlet

Castlevania

Wizards and Warriors

And any other stuff you think would be fun for a 4 year. He won’t play them if they are too hard, but I am sure he will appreciate them later. Of course, if you know a place to go to get them, that would be just as nice.

Thanks guys,

Lawton

I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU THE MOST!!!

2007-12-19T11:36:00.000-08:00

So,

I went over to a friend’s house in Raleigh. I won’t name any names, but let’s just say it was for the Duke game. Anyway, the guy let me play his Wii. I decided I may want one. Then, Mario: Galaxy came out. I decided I REALLY wanted one. I put it on the Christmas wish list.

I put it on the Christmas wish list . . .with everyone else who is willing to beg, borrow, and steal to get this damn thing!!! I realized the awesomeness of the this system way too late. Now, I may be able to get one before June, but I somehow think I’m going to get screwed out of owning one altogether.

This would have never happened if I hadn’t beat Wha back into his short bus on Wii boxing.

So, to the man that let me play his game system.

I hate you.

I HATE YOU THE MOST!!!

Sincerely,

Lawtonious “Damnit, I want to play Metriod Prime3 and Resident Evil 4 and . . . damn you” Funk

AWESOMO . . . ASIMO!

2007-12-11T09:22:00.000-08:00

The new Asimo robot by Honda now can work in pairs! Hondo is still working on a robot that can pitch Adam Sandler movies.

http://www.breitbart.com/article.php?id=D8TFAN1O2&show_article=1&image=large

Sincerely,

Lawtonious Funk

Clemson VS ECU

2007-12-06T07:10:00.000-08:00

The Clemson Tigers beat the ECU Pirates 82-67, and I had the pleasure of attending. I also got to watch Freshman Terrance Oglesby show his stuff. Here’s basically what was going through my mind when he was playing.

What’s that little white guy doing out there?
What the hell, man, don’t shoot from six feet behind the 3 point line!?!?! (Swish) Did he just make that?
(Swish) He did it again! That is one crazy little dude.
(Swish) I guess anywhere our side of half court is free reign for this guy.
(Brick) You know what, why try for the lay up if you can hit the 3?
(Swish) Better.
ECU fan to me: Does he miss? I don’t think he’s missed a three pointer. (Funk: He’s kind of a freak of nature, isn’t he.)

Oglesby doesn’t shoot a traditional shot. He kind of throws it over his head like a soccer play throwing the ball in. He also isn’t fancy. So, if you don’t pay attention, you don’t realize he’s the star our there. As a matter of fact, I’d say our strongest game is on the boards and on D.

ECU tried to drive the lane several times and had there shot smacked into the bleachers. It was strange, though, because our guys weren’t all like “Get that out of here, bitches!” They were more like “yeah, we’re probably going to do that a few more times. Maybe coach will stop for hot chocolate after the game. I’ve been reading a ne-WHACK-I guess that makes two. Anyway, I’ve been reading this – WHACK- You know, you guys could at least try something different . . .”

I am not saying the effort wasn’t there, but our guys were not giving 100%-maybe 75%, but certainly about 50% during the first half when they kept traveling, double dribbling and making many other stupid mistakes that any 6th grader has mastered.

Well, all in all, it was a good time.

Sincerely,
Lawtonious Funk

THEY DREW FIRST BLOOD!!!!!!

2007-12-03T12:22:00.001-08:00

That’s right bitches,

RAMBO

http://movies.break.com/rambo/

With all of these recent old sequels like “Live Free or Die Hard,” “Rocky Balboa,” “Indiana Jones 4: The search for more money,” and now “Rambo,” doesn’t just beg the question . . . what about another Missing in Action movie?

Well, here it is . . .

Missing In Action 3

No Braddock Left Behind.

Colonel Braddock, (Played by Chuck Norris) who escaped from a POW camp after 10 years, is approached by one of the millions of women who had the pleasure of Braddock. This beautiful woman (Played by Charlize Theron) tells him his son, John (played by a beefed up Sean William Scott), was fighting for freedom in Iraq and has gone . . . MISSING IN ACTION!

Braddock cannot find anyone to help him get his son. His government contacts have been castrated by the liberal propaganda machine. The situation is helpless, but Braddock does not faulter so easily. So, he stows away on an aircraft carrier and sneaks into Bagdad with nothing but a knife, some flint, and a bottle of water.

(WARNING SPOILER AHEAD)

While single-handedly taking out an entire battalion of Iraqi terrorists, Braddock finds his son, who is being held not by terrorists but by mercenaries working for terrorists. Mercenaries from . . . Vietnam. While escaping from the terrorist/mercenaries in a secret base deep under the sand, Braddock and his son discover . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!

Braddock and John know what they have to do. They can’t let these chemical weapons stay in the hands of the terrorists, but the weapons cannot be moved by just two men. The Braddock’s will have to kill every terrorist in Iraq. They alone can liberate the Iraqi people or be lost forever . . . MISSING IN ACTION!

Sincerely,

Lawtonious “That’s Mr. Norris to you” Funk

Dr. Cyndi . . . Residency Update

2007-11-30T07:55:00.000-08:00

Dr. Cyndi has been pretty tired this week. She has been waking up at 5:30 and getting home at 6:30. So, last night I got home and made some macaroni and cheese and got out the sandwich food for her. She came in the door at around 6:45 as I was finishing the Cheesy Mac and I told her to make her sandwich. I finished and told her to make her plate. I looked over at her plate and said:

Funk: Don’t want to finish making your sandwich?

Dr. C: I made my sandwich.

Funk: What about the bread?

So, she finished making her plate and went into the den to eat. I walked in the den and she was asleep with the plate of resting perfectly on her lap. I woke her up and said:

Funk: Wake up and eat dinner, then you can get some rest

She wakes up, eats, and we start talking. Well, I’m half watching Family Guy when she says,

Dr. Cyndi: You ever have one of those days when -

That was all she got out. My wife fell asleep mid-sentence. That’s right, out like a light. Needless to say, I woke her up and proceeded to quickly help her up the stairs and into bed. She had to get ready for the next day (today) and pack some extra clothes because she’s working a 30 hour shift. She fell asleep every time she stopped moving. It was sad and depressing and funny as hell at the same time. I think she’ll be okay today, though. She was asleep before 8 O’clock.

Sincerely,

Lawtonious “Maybe my job’s not so bad . . .” Funk

Clemson Football . . .Basketball?

2007-11-29T13:50:00.001-08:00

So,

I’m a little down this week. I’m just bummed out because football is almost over. I have thoroughly enjoyed this football season. It was much better than I expected, and I have hope for next season. I’m just not ready to stop watching football. I want to see my Tigers play so bad that I may just watch some basketball this year.

Although it will be difficult for me to remember when/where to tune in, I’ll give it a shot.

Sincerely,

Lawtonious Funk

Clemson Tigers

2007-11-19T13:37:00.001-08:00

I don’t post too much about football, but I will say this. I am damn proud of my tigers. These last two games my team has played as if there is no tomorrow. We won one and lost one, but we left it all on the field. I’m disappointed we aren’t going to a ACCCG, but most people were thinking this was to be a rebuilding year. Many of our own (including me) thought we were probably a 7-5 team. This year we have a first year quarterback and a young O-line. But we have something that makes me proud. We have heart.

I can not wait to watch us as we take out our aggravation at losing last week on those poor bastards in Columbia.

Sincerely,

Lawtonious “Manbearpig didn’t do too bad last weekend either” Funk

El banco de Carta de América

2007-11-15T05:58:00.001-08:00

So,

I just received a letter from Bank of America. I think they are trying to sell me something or possibly give me a gas credit, but I am not sure what it could be. We bank with them, and I am concerned it could be something important.

Well, it’s in Spanish. What the f#ck am I supposed to do with that?

My only hope is to call the bank and say the following:

Acabo de recibir una carta de usted en español. ¿Cómo soy supuesto entenderlo cuando hablo inglés?

Yo no hablo español. Yo sólo sé la oración previa y éste lo explicando.

Sinceramente,

Lawtonious “I hope this works!” Funk

http://ets.freetranslation.com/

ManBearPig: The Continuing Saga of Rendrick Taylor

2007-11-12T07:35:00.001-08:00

A lot of you are probably wondering why I like this guy so much. Well, here goes my best answer.

He’s a freak of nature beast that is scary to behold.

Blocking: That’s right, blocking. When Jacoby Ford was in with Spiller and Davis, Cullen was abused. To get around ManBearPig, you better bring a friend, and guess what, Cullen is going to get a nice pass off before you get to him. This does not mean that I don’t think Ford is a great player. He simply cannot block as well as MBP. How many receivers can, though? Refer to point one for reasons why he blocks so well.

Catching: When he’s wide open, he’ll catch that there ball. Okay, so he basically has to be wide open and undefended, but that does happen. Last year, you leave him open, he might catch it. Heck, he’d probably drop it, but not this year. No, no, no. This year he can catch (when loosely defended). MBP is getting left open because Tyler, Kelly, Spiller, and Davis play makers and they get special coverage. Everybody forgets MBP is not a lineman. (Hey, he’s been blocking all game.) Then, whammy! 6 yard gain! And when he makes his catch the opposing team’s defense thinks, “Great, WTF ARE WE GOING TO DO NOW!”

So, if I’m at a game screaming out MANBEARPIG like some drunken buffoon, please understand that he represents a team win to me, because if he’s getting action, our team is going to have a great day.

Sincerely,

Lawtonious “A popped collar doesn’t hide a redneck” Funk

Recording of Lavalamp has begun.

2007-11-06T06:28:00.001-08:00

So,

I haven’t posted about music in some time. Just an FYI, Top5Studios is back up and running in its new location, Winterville, NC. I have been reading several books and studying recording methods so that I can make the best CD ever made by a guy in his closet, but eventually a little voice came in my head. The voice said this:

“Isn’t Axle Rose still working on his Solo G ‘n R CD. Hasn’t he been working on that for like 15 years or something? Don’t be that guy.”

So, I’ve laid some tracks down and hope to record the first of 10 to 12 funk songs by the end of this week. Sure, it won’t perfect, but as Joe Perry would say, “F#ck it, why don’t we just play some music.”

Sincerely,

Lawtonious “I just stepped in some” Funk

Man . . . Bear . . . Pig . . . ManBearPig

2007-11-05T10:38:00.000-08:00

People Know Me

2007-10-18T10:30:00.001-07:00

So,

I was on site today and an electrician said, “Wait a minute, are you the Clemson Engineer that’s registered in two states and has his LEED Accreditation?”

I thought, “You may not know this, but I’m kind of a big deal.”

I said, “You wouldn’t know it to talk to me, would you?”

Electrician, “No, no, you’re a down to earth kind of guy. . .”

Needless to say, I’m having a good day.

Sincerely,

Lawtonious “The guy that peed on his laundry while drunk and threatened to kill people with frying pans while sober in college” Funk

TWS

2007-10-10T10:07:00.001-07:00

Dear Clemson Fans,
This feeling you are having . . . this despair that leads you to leave a game early, and want to fire the coach. It's called TWS, Tommy West Syndrome.TWS occurs when you win and feel like you've lost and/or when you lose and feel like you got kicked in the nuts.

If you suffer frequently from CCA, or Cardiac Cat Arrest, you may indeed develop TWS. Although the initial result of TWS is what seems to be a cure for CCA. You will quickly find that you have lost all heart. You continue to suffer with TWS and lose not only heart, but hope, love, joy, and pride. (Commonly known as Holtzing – ask an SC fan. ) TWS can cause you to feel completely numb while watching Clemson Football. This numb despair can spread to watching football in general, to watching other sports, and eventually, to doing anything whatsoever that would require hope, pride, joy, heart, and “toughness.”

The side effects of TWS are plenty and let’s face it, brutal. TWS can cause you to:
1. Eat more.
2. Eat less.
3. Masturbate to fat chick magazines.
4. Beat your wife.
5. Beat your husband.
6. Drink.
7. Curse frequently at inappropriate moments.
8. Refer to the restroom as the “Little boys room” because saying “men’s room” would be a lie.
9. Cry, whine, gripe, scream, bitch, moan, whimper . . . real men don’t do this.
10. Reminisce about Danny Ford even though you were 4 years old when he was coach and didn’t like football then, but let’s face it, at 4 you had more pride than you do now. It’s the pride, hope, joy, and let’s face it balls you would like returned.

Common Remedy’s for TWS:
1. Fire your coach. (Warning: Some people continue to suffer from TWS long after a coach is fired, and new great coach wins 9 games in his second season. If this is you, you do not have TWS . . . you are what is called an asswhole.)
2. Stop watching football. (But why would you do that?!?!)
3. Blowjobs (This only works for men and is a temporary sensation that will end as soon as . . . well, you know.)
4. Marriage (This only works for women and is a temporary sensation that will end as soon as . . .)

I honestly hope that you benefit from this post. I suffered for years with TWS until we finally hired a new coach. Over the last few years I have had bouts with CCA, and unfortunately, I believe the virus (TWS) may have mutated. I feel fine right now. I’m not overly anxious and my heart isn’t screaming when I watch games . . . but something isn’t right.

Sincerely,
Lawtonious Funk

NEW HDTV

2007-10-03T13:45:00.001-07:00

So,

My beautiful wife, Dr. Cyndi had a birthday. It was great! Cyndi’s parents gave her money for a new 30” HDTV to watch football!!!

I’m picking up her TV tonight.

Sincerely,

Lawtonious Funk

Fraud Vs. Wild

2007-09-26T11:00:00.001-07:00

Well,

They’ve finally said what anyone who watched the show suspected . . . Man Vs Wild is a fraud. Apparently, while Bear Grylls was on a deserted island, the island was Hawaii and he stayed in a motel some of the night. Oh, he had some help making his rafts, shelters, etc.

I guess I should go ahead and make some confessions about my “Funk Vs. Wild” blogs now:

When I said I was lost Mountain biking and I had drank most of my water and that it took hours for me to get out of there and I got out just before dark, that wasn’t entirely true. I’ve never been mountain biking. I don’t even own a bike. I was actually just playing MarioKart Double Dash and imagining myself doing something fun.

When I said “Man vs Wild” is the best show on television. . . . total bullshit. I’ve never seen the show. I was just eating milk duds and watching a “Family Guy” episode where Peter and Chris were lost in the woods, or maybe it was Bart and Homer on the Simpson.

I’ll be sure to make my next posts as honest and forthright as possible . . . as long as that does not conflict with telling a good story.

Sincerely,

Lawtonious Funk

PS My name isn’t really Lawtonious Funk . . . it’s a nickname given to me by a Tibetan monk on my 21^st birthday after we smoked some really good . . .

PSS. I didn’t really get my nickname from a monk . . . but the guy was into one of those other religions.

PSSS Okay, I don’t know crap about the guys religious beliefs. I think it went down like this . . .”What’s that smell . . . Lawtonious Funk.”

PSSSS. No, that’s not really when I got the nickname. It is however, how I kept it. I have a natural musk.

PSSSSS Okay, okay, it’s not natural, it is a filthy stench gained from sleeping with dead hookers.

PSSSSSS I’ve never slept with a hooker. I’m too cheap. Honestly, though, I shower more often now.

PSSSSSSS Yeah, about that shower thing . . .

Help

2007-09-14T10:10:00.001-07:00

I’m addicted to google earth. I can’t stop looking at places. It’s just so freaking cool. I’ve found a few places I went in Scotland and the Hotel I stayed in while on my Honeymoon.

Crazy,

Lawtonious Funk

The Simms

2007-09-02T14:48:00.000-07:00

Back in college I picked up this game called the Simms. For those of you who haven't heard of it, you basically build a house, create a family, and give them jobs. You try to get them to interact socially in a city and grow as individuals.

Well, I totally sucked at this game. Agent Orange took the joy of playing at the same time as me, and his family grew and was successfull. Agent did everything right to build his family. Hell, he even made sure they were born at the right times of year so that there signs would match up. I never quite understood it, but he apparently knew what he was doing.

I did not. I did read the fine print when creating my family and building my house. One example of how I screwed up is that I gave the married couple one big bed. Little did I know that they had to grow to love each other in order to sleep in the same bed. Needless to say, Mr. Funk (oh, yeah, they were the Funks) - Mr. Funk never slept.

Now, I you can see how this would affect his everyday life. Work sucked for Funk because he was tired. His emotionless bitch of wife would do everything short of hitting them when they were around each other. . .but I digress. That wasn't even the biggest problem.

The biggest problem was that every now and then my family members would just start screaming. I had no idea why. They were just freaking out. Finally, Agent came by and was laughing at my family and said, "Oh, you're not socializing them enough." Apparently, you had to make them talk to each other and to other strangers. If they were too quiet for too long, they freaked out. Of course, being the social misanthropist I have always been, I had no clue how to do this, and I abandoned my family to their deaths after learning a hard social lesson.

People need to socialize. Even the guys like me who are basically too shy to talk to anyone new need to talk to someone or they freak out.

On that note, I'm living in Greenville NC. No one else I know is living here. My wife is working 80+ hours a week. When she gets home she has to study or sleep if she's just worked a 27 hour shift. Therefore, I'm freaking out. I can't wait to see all my friends at a game. I'm definately going to Furman, but it's hard to make a 6.5 hour trip too often.

Untill then,

Lawtonious "bwhaahhahhaa" Funk

Thank you very much - South Carolina.

2007-08-28T08:12:00.001-07:00

Please don’t let her go to Clemson. Please – just not my alma mater.

Sincerely,

Lawtonious “www.mapquest.com” Funk

Fun with Telemarketing

2007-08-23T07:33:00.001-07:00

Since moving to the great state of NC, I’ve been harassed almost every day by telemarketers during dinner. I usually answer because I think it is my wife calling on her 10 minute break from work when she works her 27 hours straight shifts. On that note, I can always tell it’s a telemarketer, from this point on referred to as an Asshat (thanks again Nobrainer), because there is a pause between when I pick up the phone and said Asshat starts talking. This pause presumably is actually me being taken off of hold. Well, I’ve started coming up with ideas of how to screw with them Here’s what I got so far:

The Fake Hold (My personal Favorite)

AH: Is Cynthia Lawton there?

(They always want Cyndi. Her name is on the bills. Her names on the 200 G’s of debt, and her name begins with Dr.)

Funk: Hold on. I think she’s walking in now. Let me get her for you.

(click)

The Murder Scene (If call is answered on the first ring.)

AH: May I speak to Cynthia Lawton?

Funk: Honey, put down the knife. You don’t want to do this. Look I’m calling the cops. (dial ‘1’ three times. Try to talk on the phone. Simulate death scene. Hang up.)

The Switchback

AH: May I speak to Cynthia Lawton?

Funk: (spoken in rich southern accent) I’m sorry this is the home of Jugdeesh Patel. You must have dialed the wrong number.

(click)

Feel free to add your own advice to my simple ideas. I’d love to do something really fun.

Thanks,

Lawtonious Funk

Camping

2007-08-22T10:12:00.001-07:00

Dr. Cyndi, Madison (my dog), and I went camping this past weekend at Ocracoke national campground. This campsite is right on the NC beach on Ocracoke Island. You get to the island by a 2.5 hour ferry which is pretty relaxing. On Saturday we cooked out first thing because we hadn’t had any lunch and were starving. We then proceeded to take Madison and hit the beach. It was truly an great time because we got to throw a floating toy in the water and watch my spastic Springer Spaniel swim through some pretty big waves to get it. We did this until the evening and then took what Cyndi called ‘invigorating’ showers before cooking dinner. After dinner, we crashed.Apparently, sleeping has gotten to be a bit of a problem for me. Although I’m fit enough to go mountain biking, my back still strains pretty easily if I sleep on a hard surface. Needless to say, I didn’t sleep the first night.

On Sunday we woke up around 6:30 (Well, I got up around six after lying there all night), cooked breakfast and proceeded to see the famous Banker Ponies. These feral horses have been on Ocracoke Island since sometime in 1500 when a Spanish ship crashed there and their ancestors swam ashore. We must have looked at them for a whole minute.

We also saw the lighthouse. It is still running and has a light and everything.

Round about that time Cyndi’s parents were coming in to camp with us so we headed back to the campground. When her parents got there with Daisy, (their dog) we hit the beach again until lunch. After lunch, Cyndi and her mom and dad went shopping and I stayed to watch to dogs which have to be on a leash at the campgrounds (and technically on the beach but they are not as strict there). I read one of the Harry Potter books and flew my stunt kite. They got back and Cyndi’s Dad watched the dogs while the rest of the family went to Howard’s Pub (best bar on the island) for dinner. After dinner we loaded up the jeep and took it out onto the beach to cook s’mores. Driving the Jeep on the soft sand in four wheel drive was pretty exciting and unnerving. We got stuck once because we didn’t let the air out of the tires down to 20psi. I claim ignorance while Ronny and Cyndi just forgot. Well, it took no time to get us out and we hit the beach. I floored it on the way back which was much more bumpy and exciting and we had no problems.

Well, that’s about the whole trip. Anyone wants to with us next time, let me know. It was definitely a good time.

Sincerely,

Lawtonious Funk

An open letter to my friends in their 20s.

2007-08-14T10:48:00.001-07:00

Are you enjoying the last days of your 20s? Make sure you don’t miss out on anything you wanted to do before you turned 30. Apparently, people notice ‘the change.’

I go mountain biking with guys in their twenties. One of them called me ‘Sir.’ I don’t really know what to do with that. It’s more than a little disturbing to me. I still think of myself as the guy that peed on his laundry when he drank too much, but that was 6 years ago. I think I may look respectable or something.. I don’t know, man. I just don’t get it. I did get carded by hot waitress the other day while on a business trip, but then I thought, “Oh, she knows I’m not really under 21. She just wants me to feel good about getting older so maybe I’ll give her a good tip.” Oh, I’ve also officially lost some of my hearing in my left ear.

What does this all mean? Do act grown up now? Am I now supposed to be shamed by my permanently infantile sense of humor? Should I conduct myself with a bit more professionalism at work? Should I make ‘plans?’

I can honestly say I was never in a big damn hurry to grow up. I’m sure other people were. They wanted big careers, prestigious jobs, marriage, children, etc. - all in some unwritten timeline. I never really had a timeline. I can say I really wanted to touch boobs as soon as possible. (Okay, I still do, but can you blame me? They’re great.) I’ve always wanted to be an Electrical Engineer, and now I am. I wasn’t in a hurry. I took my time getting there.

Is it the lines on my face and the strain in my eyes that command more respect? I don’t think my personality has changed too much. But maybe it has.

When I asked the guy, “Why are you calling me Sir?”

He said, “Oh, it’s just how I was raised.”

Part of me wanted to scream, “Well, FUCK YOU. That’s how I was raised.”

But I didn’t. I just said, “Yeah, don’t call me that. I’m Will.”

Sincerely,

Lawtonious “Van Halen wrote ‘Hot for Teacher’ when they were in their 30’s” Funk